I just finished reading The Midnight Library, by Matt Haig. I liked it. It’s about a girl who gets to make different choices about her life, to undo the regrets she has in the present, root life. I won’t say more, in case you want to read it. It’s a very simple, quick read. But as always, the simplicity hides some complex ideas.
The one I thought about the most was the Book of Regrets which the girl finds in the library. It’s described as heavier than it looks. Isn’t that how our regrets are, seemingly trivial, but a load we carry in our hearts.
“the regret makes us shrivel and wither and feel like our own and other peoples worst enemy” a quote from the book.
I, for one am always thinking about how to live my life so that I end up with no, or few regrets. The thing is, you can never be sure that the “path not taken” would have lead to greater happiness.
My argument against regrets is that one acted in the way one could, with the knowledge they had, and the circumstances they were in at that time.
I was complaining, to myself, that I should have pushed to take more vacations with the kids when they were young. But if I think through this regret, I realize, we did the best we could. What with their sports and extra curricular activities and volunteer work etc, and our inability to get more than a week or so of vacation from work, trying to coordinate everyone’s schedules was a difficult task.
I have reached a point in my life where I am almost ready to retire. There are times when I look back and think I should have worked harder and done something more with my degree. But I worked part-time, school hours, so I could drop and pick up my kids from school and spend some time with them in the afternoons. Was it all spent playing games or singing happy songs with them? No, but when I look back, I remember how I was able to participate in their happy moments. I was able to attend the Back to school nights and the parent teacher meetings, I was there when they scored a goal or a net, I took them to play dates and we could have their friends over too.
Most of us have the usual regrets, not keeping up with old friends and family, working too hard, not following the passions.
The good thing is that I don’t have a passion, as of yet. I am exploring various activities to see which one holds my attention the most. So far, its been reading. For that, I don’t hold myself back if a book interests me, and I read anything and everything.
With regards to keeping up with family and friends, we have this great app-Whatsapp-which has made keeping in contact with friends and family so easy.
This is what I have realized, when one is young, and trying to build a life, it is hard to stay in touch with the family. Once our own kids are grown, that’s when one can look back towards the people we left behind.
I am going to try and call my relatives on a regular basis, no harm in scheduling the calls, for if you don’t plan, it never gets done.
I recently heard an episode-Designing Happiness on the podcast The Art of Happiness with Arthur Brooks in which he interviews the authors Bill Burnett and Dave Evans who wrote Designing Your Life.
It’s an interesting episode where they explore the reasons why people get stuck and feel unhappy in their lives due to the choices made years ago. The premise is to design a life leading to greater happiness.
The last 20 min. of the episode were spent talking about age, because that is the commonest excuse people have, to not change their lives at any point. “I am 50 years old, how can I go back to school?” The way life span is going at this time, people who reach their 50’s with minimal chronic medical conditions can expect to live at least to their 80s. So at least 30 more years. Which means almost another lifetime. So age is not an excuse to not pursue one’s dreams. Even climbing the Everest, Yuichiro Miura was 80 years old when he reached the summit.
Another excuse-sunk costs-I spent 10 years getting my degree, let me use it. Well, no one can predict what would happen if you continued to work in the same profession, you could either do very well after the initial growing pains, or be unhappy in the situation. You could also decide to give up the degree and follow your heart, and fail miserably or flourish and thrive. Who can say?
Another excuse-what will people think about me? This one point has affected so much of my young life. It took me a long time to understand that, as my sister says, and as Alexis, David Schitt’s sister says,“nobody cares.” Sisters are intelligent, listen to them.
But sincerely, who has the time to think through another’s choices. People barely have the time to think about their own lives. So go ahead and learn how to dance, or sing. When you are 90, and sitting in the chair in front of the t.v., these memories are the ones which will add color to your life.
“We regret the things we don’t do more than the things we do”, Mark Twain
That quote is a guide to living my future life. To paraphrase a Buddhist teaching, I can’t change anything in my past, and I cannot predict the future, but I can live in the present and make choices which reflect my desire to live the best possible life.
I feel, living in the present, acting mindfully, doing the best I can under the circumstances, taking small steps towards a larger goal, might lead to a better, richer life with hopefully fewer regrets.
And now I am off to have some ice cream, just a spoonful or two, should have no regrets about that.